American Bliss
WASHINGTON — [From Capitol News Network] United Health Provision announced this morning its plans to help build political consensus over health care reform. United Health Provision Corporation, the largest health insurance re-insurer in the country, has teamed up with Goldbug and Goldilocks, the Wall Street powerhouse, to offer repackaged insurance policies to select investors. The Healthy CDO ™ will become available in mid-October; tranches of the derivative will be rated AAA to A, based upon ratings agency approval of standard health insurance industry models. Damien Prisvärt, Vice President for Government Relations at United Health Provision, explained that due to the latitude insurance providers exercise through recission, investors acquire additional guarantees of returns over and above actuarial expectations. Prisvärt predicts that initial demand will exceed $100 billion and expressed hope that eventually all health insurance in America will be recollaterallized. "By making even more money from the non-payment of insurance claims," Prisvärt said, "the industry now will be able to lower the cost of health insurance for average Americans."
Prisvärt believes the scheme will be politically popular. "These investment opportunities provide many new and interesting possibilities for free-market compromises between Democrats and Republicans," he said, suggesting that reform legislation may well include investment incentives. Moreover, according to Prisvärt, "merging the interests of Wall Street and the insurance industry should reduce lobbying costs while at the same time increasing payouts to politicians, such that everybody comes out ahead."
Contacted by Capitol News Network for comment, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi expressed enthusiasm, saying "This is the kind of innovation America is all about," and added, "I personally expect this will make me some money from grateful constituents." Blue Dog Democrats also are pleased that more market incentives are being brought into the picture, according to Pelosi, and that means "the party can become more unified."
White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel has indicated his strong support. Nevertheless, when asked by Capitol News Network whether any Democrats might object to further financialization of the economy he acknowledged that "some fringe leftist Democrats complain about the risks from recollateralization of health insurance obligations," but averred that "those people are really quite unimportant in the overall scheme of things." Moments later, caught on an open microphone with one of his assistants, Emanuel was heard to scream that "we'll have to stomp the crap out of those Commie bastards if they get in the way of this." Asked for clarification the White House Press Office declined further comment.
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Comments
heh ha hee hoo, pretty funny. A bit too involved for The Onion, I suppose. - John
Posted by: John K. Fitzpatrick | September 15, 2009 7:16 PM